I have something on my left cheek. I think it's from stress, but it's stressing me out more than anything else that's been stressing me out lately, so I guess it will never go away. It's either: 1.) Adult acne. 2.) Cancer. 3.) A little bit of sunburn. (My skin ruptures when I look at a postcard from Provincetown.) 4.) A sexy-looking mole, which mistakenly landed on my face instead of Toby Maguire's. 5.) A welt, possibly from sleepwalking to an S&M party in the neighborhood. I tried various remedies over the weekend, which probably all cancelled each other out. The only thing left is to offer the Internet Gods the sacrifice of online humiliation. Look for me on YouTube soon.